This is such a strange feeling! I have friends, like actual friends! We hang out, we talk, we call eachother, we call eachother mean names. And not just like one good friend, like a group! Im a part of a group! You have no idea how ecstatic I am, it feels so good to finally be accepted, and I found myself wondering if they were gonna get sick of me, but you know what, Im not gonna think that anymore, they wont if I dont think they will, and I'm gonna accept their friendships. I think this year will be good, yes, I know it will be. One of the people is even someone who I used to be in ooober like with, we are comfortable enough to laugh and joke about it, he may even like me now, but oh well I've moved on, which by the way I locked eyes with the love of my life today, that made my day kinda good, until last hour, last hour blew, I almost broke out into tears, Im not cut out for that class, or anyones assholeyness, ha I'm lame. Speaking of which I forgot to cover a very big event that took place in my life, not a good one either.
So my friend and I, who happened to be the only other girl in our group at the time, went to hang out at another friends house with the rest of us, wellllll its not a night if we dont crack open the beers..ha! Did I mention the love of my life was there?! No? Well he was, and he was in my presence, laughing, talking, looking in my direction! What a dream. Well my friend cant seem to hold her alcohol at all (oh yea, she understands the undying flame of passion I have for that boy), so she was getting sick and one of our guy friends was helping her out, and then she passed out and I'd make her check on him every once in awhile, yea I know, shitty move on me, but I was being selfish and didn't want to not have the most amount of time possible with A (the boy I like alot). But anyways, yea the first half of the night was the best ever. But then later some of my friends were gonna walk somewhere, and A was inside going to the bathroom and I didn't want to leave him, but I didn't want to be left all alone, so stupidly, I went. Well, leaving sucked, I just wanted to go back, the whole situation was scary and pervy and I didn't wanna be where we were anymore, I just wanted to go back to my friends house. The second half, after we got back, was sucky, I was all paranoid about A and idk I had no reason to be at the time. But anyways I went and passed out on a couch with some other people. And in the morning I went with my girl-friend back into town, and before she got out of the car I told her how sincerely terrible I felt about leaving her that night, and that it would never happen again, and she just went "yeaaa no kidding", like you have no idea how guilty and sick to my stomach I felt.
    Later that night I was texting her talking about funny things that had happened the night before, and all of a sudden she goes "I dont wanna talk about last night anymore" that tied a knot in my stomach, all my sucpicions and paranoia from the night before and kinda morning that I'd been trying to push down came rushing out, it was pure agony. Then I got home, and saw my friend has posted saying shes never felt like such a terrible person in her life, and what she did wasn't her and that she hated herself, and I knew, I knew she did stuff with A, you have no idea how heartwrenching that was, I died that day, I left my house and cried, I cried long after I had no tears left, at one point I was even layed down on some pavement crying. Yea I know "why would you cry about a boy?!" well for one, hes not just any boy he was the boy, the only person I've liked like that, but not only that, but the one line my friend knew not to cross, my best friend, betrayed me in the worst way that she ever could. I did die that day.
    I texted her telling her we needed to talk, she got scared, and was like about what... and thats when the last morsel of hope was gone, those 3 little dots. Well after a few days, I finally got over to her house, and the second I brought up talking she freaked out, and we both started silent crying, me on one side of the bed, her on the other. It was the longest hour and a half of my life. I got the story, I wanted to throw up, but I still had no food in my stomach from being sick since the night we drank. It was impossible for me to yell at her, I didn't know how to react. We've kinda taped it up, it comes up sometimes, but it'll never be fully gone, I love her so much, but I'll never forgive her fully, I'll still feel a twinge of pain everytime I think of her lips on his, his arms around her, it makes me sick. I hate it all so much.


I guess he really is Jordan Catalano, and she must be Rayanne

Dear A,
    You are too perfect to be true. You are everything I have been looking in anyone! We share alot of common interests, and your funny, and beautiful, and laid back and chill. I'm glad I broke my ten month pot sobriety with you. Theres not a thing I think you should change about yourself, except your drunken makeout sessions but whatever your drunk, I can look past them. You seem to pop up everywhere now! When you gave us your number I almost died, I couldnt even talk, and to prove it the one thing I said was about my shoes, how lame, yea Im kicking myself. But I really like the way you talk, and how you stand, and even though your a little shorter than me I dont care. I reallllyy love when you run your hands through your hair, its probably the most breathtaking thing ever. I hope the wheels start turning, I dont care if you dont love me right away, and dont want to be my boyfriend, I like you so much I'd be content with just being friends, just to be by you.

Yea, I found my Jordan Catalano.